A note before you dive in: I wrote the original version of this piece in 2016. Reading it back almost a decade later, the core of it still holds. But I have lived more of it since then, made more mistakes, learned more about what it actually takes to sustain yourself through a full life. So consider this the updated edition.
February has a way of making everyone think about love. The stores remind you before the calendar does, and suddenly there is pressure from every direction to show the people in your life just how much they mean to you.
That part is lovely. Genuinely.
But there is a version of this conversation that tends to get skipped over, and it is the one worth having: what about showing up for yourself? Not as a trend or a treat, but as an ongoing, serious commitment to the person you are with every single day of your life.
That is what self-care actually is. Not the Instagram version with candles and face masks, though those have their place. The real version, which is quieter, more consistent, and frankly more difficult.
It starts with giving yourself permission
There is a guilt that comes with prioritizing yourself, particularly if you are someone who gives a lot. The logic goes: other people need things, there is always something more important, choosing yourself feels indulgent. What I have come to understand is that this thinking is not noble. It is unsustainable. You cannot give from a place of depletion and expect the quality of what you give to remain intact. At some point the well runs dry, and everyone around you feels it before you admit it to yourself. Caring for yourself is not a reward you earn when everything else is handled. It is part of how you handle everything else.
Make one act of self-care a daily practice
The specifics matter less than the consistency. Self-care looks different for everyone depending on temperament, lifestyle and what season of life you are in. What matters is that you choose something real, something that genuinely restores you, and that you do it regularly enough to become non-negotiable. For some people that is physical movement first thing in the morning. For others it is protecting an hour of quiet before the household wakes up, a proper lunch away from a screen, or a walk that has no purpose other than clearing your head. The point is intentionality. You are deciding, on purpose, that you are worth the investment of your own time and attention. That decision, made repeatedly over weeks and months, changes how you carry yourself.
Be honest about where you are in accepting yourself
This is the part people tend to rush past, and it is arguably the most important.
We live in an environment that is not particularly kind to the process of self-acceptance. Every comparison, every highlight reel, every subtle message that you should be further along than you are, chips away at the foundation you are trying to build. The journey to accepting yourself, including the parts you are still working on, is not linear and it does not have a deadline. Some seasons you will feel solid in who you are. Others the old doubts surface and get loud. Both are part of the process and neither means you are failing. What helps is patience, the same patience you would extend to someone you love without question. You would not hold a person you care about to an impossible standard and berate them for falling short. Extend that same grace to yourself and watch what starts to shift.
Do not negotiate away your right to enjoy your life
As responsibilities accumulate, joy tends to get pushed to the bottom of the list. It starts to feel like something you will get to once everything else is sorted, which of course means you rarely get to it at all.
Joy is not a reward for completion. It is a requirement for a life that is actually worth sustaining. Whatever fun looks like for you right now, in this specific season, protect it. Put it in the diary if you have to. Stop treating it as optional.
Self-care is not a destination you arrive at. It is something you choose, imperfectly and repeatedly, because you have decided that the quality of your own life matters. That decision is not selfish. It is one of the most responsible things you can do for yourself and for everyone who depends on you.
What is one thing you have been telling yourself you will do for yourself when things calm down? I would genuinely like to know. Leave it in the comments.
For more conversations on wellbeing, relationships and real life, listen to Chat Time with Ro on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Follow along on Instagram at @rochellejchong.
